We have a two friends from Seminary who live just outside of Memphis. They play doubles tennis together, and so were in Chattanooga this past fall for the State Tennis Tournament. We met them over at the Champion's Club near Lupton City and watched them play, then we spent some quality time catching up.
While we were visiting with our good friends, they shared with us something that had caught them completely off guard when they started playing tennis together: Apparently many couples switch partners on and off the court!
Erica and my reaction was the same as theirs when they first discovered the seedy underbelly of amateur tennis—slack-jawed disbelief. But no doubt about it, they had a few couples on their team and knew of several others at the tournament who regularly 'switched it up' in the bedroom. When asked if they were interested, our friends politely and awkwardly declined. (Is there a non-awkward way to turn that down?)
I mean, as committed Christians, what should our response be? How do we think, much less talk about issues of sexuality? So far, it seems the Church has come down into two main camps: 1) hardline legalism, or 2) don't ask, don't tell. I'd say, by and large, that us Presbyterians fall into the latter category. We're not sure where we stand on issues of sex, but we'd hate to tell others where we might be out of fear of sounding judgmental; so let's just not talk about it. Better living through denial.
However, not talking about something doesn't make it not important. Quite the opposite is true. By talking honestly about sex, within the context of the church, maybe we can begin a conversation about one of the most important and powerful drives in human nature. And by opening a conversation, maybe we can begin to find direction, experience grace, and discover healing.
Let me start off by saying the purpose of today's sermon is to begin a conversation. It's not to tell you what you should and should not be doing, nor is it to tell how you should be doing things. There are plenty of folks out there – Christian and non-Christian; helpful and unhelpful – who dispense the how-tos.
No, our purpose today is to give you a theological and biblical starting point to think about sex. Specifically, to begin to consider the role of sex in your spiritual life. When we consider our sexuality as part of who we are, and our understanding of sex is grounded in God's Word, we actually begin to transform our families, our church, and our community.
When we read scripture, we discover God's design for sex: Sex is good. Sex is natural. Sex is an intimate part of a healthy covenant relationship. Sex should build us up as people, it should build us up as a couple, and it should build up the community around us. Sex, according to Scripture, is sacred. If you want to see a picture of God's design for sex in Scripture, turn to the Song of Songs (Song of Solomon—it follows Psalms, Proverbs, and Ecclesiastes). It's not a metaphor for God's love, it's an expression of love between a man and a woman, and the Hebrews deemed it inappropriate for children to read. Sexual intimacy is an expression of commitment and faithfulness designed to be shared only between two people and God. The phrase the Bible uses to describe this sexual sharing is “one flesh.”
Our text from 1 Corinthians 6 is a poignant reminder that we are 'one flesh' in our covenant with our spouse, and we are 'one flesh' in our covenant to God. To engage in sex outside of God's design violates both relationships.
What does this mean for us monogamously married folks?
Let me clarify what I mean by monogamously married: Committed covenant relationships are not limited to people who are married (nor are all marriages committed covenant relationships), but since this is the most common and most socially accepted option, I will use the terms married and marriage I mean, I would hardly count Kim Kardashian's 72 day marriage as either committed or covenant, and I would would be remiss if I didn't use those terms to describe Goldie Hawn and Kurt Russell's relationship over the last 29 years.
To you married folks: Celebrate God's gift! Sex with your spouse should be wonderful, freeing, and fun! Celebrate it together! Talk about it more, brag on your wife or your husband. I'm not suggesting you divulge embarrassingly intimate details, but tell your friends how much you love being together. Use your best judgment here – you know the people and situations where this is appropriate. Talk about why you love being married to your spouse, how it has enriched your sexual life, and why that's so great. Not only does this affirm your relationship with your spouse, but it builds up the marriages of those around you. Celebrating your sexual relationship with your spouse celebrates the covenant you two have together. It lifts up the relational way God intends for us to live, and it reflects much of the fullness and pleasure God intends for life.
Yes, how you express and celebrate your sexual life together will change over time—if you're 20 and newlywed, or if you're 45 and have teenagers, or if you're 70 with an empty nest – have fun, and enjoy being together!
What about people who don't have that kind of marriage? What if it's hard to celebrate? Or sex doesn't happen frequently, or when it does, it's certainly not worth celebrating.
Does that mean we're failures?
Not at all! But it does mean you might want to pay more attention to your relationship. Maybe it is time for a marriage enrichment retreat, or maybe you should talk to a sex therapist or counselor. At the very least, it is time for a heart-to-heart with your spouse. Marriage should be filling and fulfilling and should make you both better people and better Christians. If you're struggling with this, there are some great resources out there to help. CBI has skilled Christian counselors, and First Things has a whole bunch of support materials for you.
What does this mean for single folks?
There are many different kinds of singleness. You can be single at 20, or single at 40, or single at 85. Just as there are many ages, there are many reasons for being single: you may never have been married, you may be divorced, or you could be a widow or widower. Like for married folks, your age and stage of life will have a huge impact on how your sexuality plays out in your Christian life.
What does sexuality look like when you're single? It might look like a lot of different things. Celebrating who you are and how God created you is key. It definitely means understanding God's guidelines for sexuality and not buying into our culture's one-dimensional portrayal of sex.
The phrase the Bible uses to describe the sexual union is: “the two became one flesh.” “One flesh” is a very powerful description of how God views sex. The way God has us designed is to only be 'one flesh' with one person. You can't be 'one flesh' with more than one person. If you try, you begin to damage yourself and others. If we become 'one flesh' when we have sex with another person, then there is a sharing; that person takes some of who we are and likewise, we take some of them. If we are not in a committed, covenant relationship and we are sharing our one flesh, we keep giving away who we are. It's like taking bites out of a cookie. Pretty soon all you're left with is crumbs.
Look at the person of Jesus. From the sexuality stand point, he was a man; full of masculine traits and masculine biology. He also enjoyed the companionship of both men and women, and he gave and received appropriate touch from both. He was open and honest about his feelings. He was, abstinent. Does that mean self-control? Yep. Does it mean discovering healthy outlets for fulfilling your sexual needs that do not violate God's intended design for you and those around you? Yes. Can singleness and sexuality be integrated into a deep and fulfilling life – either for a season or longer? The testimony of Jesus Christ, Mother Teresa, and countless other Christians says YES!
For our youth – you still need to listen to your parents. But let me toss this out there for you: You are not in a covenant relationship. I know, you love your boyfriend or girlfriend so much it hurts. Trust me here, that does not a covenant make.
For our parents – talk to your kids. Lay a foundation for them that allows them to understand who they are as children of God and what God intends for their lives. Remove the guilt and shame, and seek open communication. Celebrate the love you have with your spouse, and be the example your kids will turn to when they are making decisions in life and sex. And believe me, they are both watching you and making these decisions.
Now let me offer one disclaimer. There has been a lot of damage done by inappropriate or abusive sex. It is never God's intention that sex be harmful to his people. But I say with sadness, that much harm has been done. You or someone you know may have been sexually abused. You might have tremendous baggage that you bring into your relationship.
God's grace is sufficient for you. *pause* God's grace is sufficient for you.
There are people you can talk to, groups you can join, and support and healing out there. If you need help getting connected, call me or come talk to me. We will have a completely confidential conversation, and I will help point you in a direction of healing and wholeness.
So how's that for the basis of an open and honest conversation about Christian Sex? Let's close by coming back to the question I posed at the very beginning. How do we respond to issues of sex in our friendships, in our community, in our lives? What do we say in a situation like the one my friend's from Seminary faced?
Is it possible for us to be women and men of faith, holding convictions about God's intended design for human sexuality and yet not come across as either A) judgmental or B) condoning of other's activities? We must always hold our convictions in tension with God's grace reaching out through us.
This is a very delicate balance. And the more we practice and live out our Christian faith. The more we discover who we are and what God has created us to be, the better we will get at it.
Richard Mouw, President of Fuller Seminary, gave the address at my graduation. In it, he challenged us to enter the world of ministry with “convicted civility.” His choice of those two words was very intentional: He said there are lots of people in this world who hold strong convictions, but they are complete jerks when they share those convictions with others. There are also a whole bunch of people who are so civil and polite as to never want to say what they actually believe because they wouldn't want to disagree with someone or hint that another's position is not equally valid.
My challenge to you, as we consider what sex means to us as Christians, is the same as Richard Mowu's challenge to my graduating class years ago: Enter your relationships, your workplace, your family, and your community with convicted civility.
Amen.
Maybe I'll get this posted this time--kids keep disconnecting my cable box. Sorry for muddying your view count.
ReplyDeleteI'm glad you're tackling the tough subjects. This is one of them for sure. I'm saving this link for future reference...the whole idea of "that conversation" with the kids...at least we will not be without guidance.
Most of my growing-up years were spent in the United Methodist Church. In our region, most of the youth at some point were enrolled in a course we jokingly called "Sex Camp." What we were taught comes down to one memorable catch-phrase: "appropriate, responsible, and mutual."
That phrase fits nicely with your message, but only to a point. I like the paragraphs around your cookie crumbs analogy--that brings in an issue that "appropriate, responsible, and mutual" doesn't really touch on at all.
In a broader Christian living sense, I love the concept of "convicted civility." It's the greatest day to day challenge we face, inside and outside the church proper. I admit, I'm one of the extremes you mentioned. Someone gets a little loud with me, and I'll clam up, excuse myself, and go home--in other words, too much civility and too little conviction. At the same time, I'm a little too hard (quietly, obviously, but still...) on those who express conviction and completely discount the civility. A little humility would help both halves of that problem, I suppose. And isn't THAT a tough thing to achieve!
I've noticed the cookie metaphor has struck a real chord among our contemporaries. Several people our age have also said, "I wish the church had talked openly about sex when I was growing up, something like this sermon would have given me something to think about when I was making choices that would stick with me the rest of my life."
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